| Family... |
[Aug. 30th, 2009|08:52 am] |
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Last night my sister wrote me to inform me that she would be visiting with my mother in a few months on account of her recent twins, and asked me if I wanted to join.
I told her that I would give it some thought.
After giving it some thought, I have decided to say no.
In the past, dealings with anyone that shares my DNA has been problematic, and has also caused me some degree of emotional distress. However, this is not the past. I have a vast store of precedent to draw from and I simply don't feel emotion the way that I used to. In the future, dealings with anyone that shares my DNA will be very simple, because I am now very clear on the matter.
My family, with only one exception, can be divided in to two categories. My mother's side and my father's side.
- My mother's side is very easy to deal with, because for the most part every single male for several generations has killed themselves in one form or another. This observation yields two important results. First, an awareness of a genetic disposition for suicide / self destruction. Second, a much smaller set of individuals to deal with.
Since the aforementioned mass extinction of the males from my mother's side, there only remains three individuals left to deal with. Two of them have just about reached the end of their life spans, and are no longer relevant. The remainder will be around for another 30 or so years, but has taken measures for being responsible for herself for the remaining years of her life and is harmless.
As such, I really only have to plan for three specific cases for half of my family. One case doesn't represent any special difficulty, and can be maintained with a conversation or two every 12 to 24 months. This conversation doesn't represent any special effort on my part, and can be performed when I have the emotional reserves to do so. Another case was for the most part a helpful influence in my life, however was contaminated with religion, and did her best to spread that disease to me. She was successful and ultimately the negatives outweigh the benefits. On account of the lack of malice in her strategy, I give her the gift of my silence. The third case is just a more distant example of the first case.
So ultimately, that side of my family is a done deal as far as I'm concerned. It isn't warranted to get any closer to them, but it's also not necessary to keep them any further away than the already stable minimal contact that I have with them. It takes very little effort for me to maintain that minimal contact, and I do so out of pity.
- My father's side is another story entirely. You can best interpret them as being a vicious outlaw gang. This is not very far from the truth in modern or historical times. Without exception, they burn hot, violent, and angry. There are a number of them, but this number has been dropping in recent years on the account of imprisonment, being shot and killed by police, and reaping the predictable benefits of a lifetime of substance abuse.
They are also prone to obsessive behavior that seems to occupy the space in the mind that would be considered long term planning in a civilized human being.
As such, every single interaction that I have with every member of that side of my family carries a very simple message: "I am one of you, and as such you know that I am dangerous. I am smarter than you, and as such have managed to control the impulses that drive you. However, I have not forgotten the violence that was done to me. I do not seek retribution, and I will tolerate a small degree of interaction based entirely on how indulgent I feel at the moment. However, if you exceed the very small limits that I tolerate from you, I will choose not to restrain my darker nature, the very nature that I inherited from you, and you will know the terrible destructive capability that lies within me, and you will bear witness to the evolution and transcendence of your bloodline."
In yoga there is a saying, "the light in me recognized the light in you." They know that I mean it, in no uncertain terms because the darkness in them recognizes the darkness in me.
I feel absolutely no pity for any of them, and I don't even bother to conceal the contempt that I feel for them. I leave them no opening physically or emotionally, and all of them combined wouldn't even represent the slightest intellectual challenge. The few interactions that I accept with them are only useful to me as a safety check to monitor them, and as a "positive control" for my self check routines.
My strategy and objective for either side of my family is well defined, and I'm quite comfortable with it. I have 31 years of precedent and data to support it.
However, my sister represents a special case. She is neither my father's side nor my mother's side for the same reasons that I am neither my father's side nor my mother's side. However, we have no bond. No connection what so ever. The only bond we had was my responsibility for her. I'm no longer responsible for her, so as far as I'm concerned, that's that.
It's been my understanding that she feels similar relief, and that's how it's been for years.
However, recently she produced offspring. While I had sincere hope that our genes would not propagate any further, I suspect that in their case nature has been sufficiently diluted and nurture will fill in the gap. So I'm going to chalk up the change in our equilibrium to the various predictable psychological processes that occur in a woman when she reproduces that causes them to try to round up as may people who share her DNA as possible.
Her response is understandable, but irrelevant. I have no desire to sit in a room with her and my mother and pretend to play family. So my response will be the same as the invitation to her wedding, the last funeral she informed me of (that I had no interest in), and now this.
This may seem cold. That is because it is. However, when was the last time I asked them to come to me? I am completely cut off from all things of that nature, and I accept it. Just because they decide that all of a sudden they want my attention, I am to just shut that off, for a brief moment for their benefit, and then turn it back on so that I can continue living my life?
From that perspective, who is being cold to whom?
After giving it careful consideration, I've decided to turn down your offer. It isn't necessary to keep my answer from her, as it's not a secret.
My evaluation of your support structure is that it is sufficient, and that my involvement is unnecessary. As such I don't see there being a need for me to pretend that I belong to a family for a few hours in October.
If my understanding of your situation is in error, and there is a deficiency of some sort that requires my specific attention, then I'm willing to take that in to consideration. However, I don't think that it's very likely that is the case.
By carefully understanding my interactions with those I am related to, and carefully quarantining them and keeping them in strict perspective, I remove their ability to cause me any pain or harm. |
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hypnofocus's journal
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